he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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