I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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