how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
