Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
