I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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