I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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