We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
