you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I can't turn off my feet"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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