Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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