Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
