Don't make out with my wife yet
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
