I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
