i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
