I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
