afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize