i need an iv and a liver transplant
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
