i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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