some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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