literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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