Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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