I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
