Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
