He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
