Got a toothbrush?
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
im calling her cock vulture from now on
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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