Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
