How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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