I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
