Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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