it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
