I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
