I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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