I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
