Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
