if only i could text you this smell
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
