I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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