i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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