First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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