I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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