Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize