it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
