yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
