I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
