Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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