His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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