This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
