my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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