i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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