Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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