I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
