Pants 0. Shit 1.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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