someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
