90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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