Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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