i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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