RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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