Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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