you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
