Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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