is your mom at the bar?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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