You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Alive.
So much puke
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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