found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
That was before I lit my hair on fire
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
